who am i??

As of right now, i'm pretty sure i don't know. I'm a whole mix of a whole buncha people. Ever feel like that? Idk what i'm talking about honestly. This all made so much sense in my head a second ago and now that i put it down into a blog it doesn't seem to be spilling out right. That's what it feels like, spilling. Unorderly and incoherent, but i'll do my best.

I honestly have no clue with who i am, as a person. image wise mostly i guess. How we are percievrd as opposed to how we want to be percieved. I think most kids in adolescence go through this to some extent, the lucky few make it out of the mess early and know who they are and are confident about it. I want so badly NOT to fall into some category. I like lots of chunky bracelets and stuff, hats, metal studded belts and shredded Chucks, i mean that's just me. What would you call that exactly? When i look at myself i'd say a little punk influenced, but is it really? I mean you guys see me everyday. I'm kind of trying to express myself through that medium. Isn't that retarded? I'm trying to fit into a group. LOL me. Well, not exactly. I just like the clothes. But i like alot of different stuff. Sometimes i'm totally girl-esq and sometimes i feel like the complete opposite. I want to be the way i want to be and wear what i'd like to wear and say F you to whoever doesn't like it. But i'm not that way. To me, that's a hostile attitude. I don't like hostile attitudes.

It goes beyond that actually. I really feel very afraid when i'm singing or performing or whatever. I know i can do it, there's alot i wanna get out. I can let go and be amazing (i hope. i like to think i have it in me) but i'm really really scared people will go.., 'what is she doing? omg what an idiot she looks retarded." Not that i'm planning on thrashing around or acting crazy or goofy. But bouncy, full of life and just me. I don't like the feeling of being sqelched(sp?) or held back or put down or having one's thumb over my head. STOP IT! I will not stand for it. I'll fight right back. (See? that sounds hostile when you read it but it doesn't feel like that to me. It just feels sorta desperate.)

Mostly i feel like I'm letting down my boyfriend. When he met me, none of this had come out yet. I was still just going with happy old me and flowing around trying to be happy kind of delaying the heafty unloading and organization of Sara. I don't think i dressed like i do, or acted the way i do now. Did i? well somewhat of the latter. (i'm sorry this is so long. It just feels good to vent. But what if he;s thinking "what is this?" "who is she?" "this isn't the girl i fell in love with." Or maybe he's not. Maybe he's looking at the little chages and not liking them or resenting them or whatever. Are they even noticable? They are a little to me. Or a lot to me. But things are always magnified to one's self aren't they? Anyway Shawn, i'll put this to you-- am i the same person?